


there's no place for time here (just overlapping moments where i thought i'd found you)

by cornerstones



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: 2015 World Figure Skating Championships, Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Angst with a Happy Ending, Future Fic, Introspection, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-25 04:53:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21810370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cornerstones/pseuds/cornerstones
Summary: Yuzuru's heart flutters at the thought of getting this chance to get it right at last.He thinks back to their conversation, to the tentative smiles they shared and how they fell into step with each other naturally. How Javier's eyes sometimes lingered a second too long on him yet how he wouldn't reach out, neither physically nor verbally – but he didn't have to for Yuzuru to understand.He wants to take this chance given to him now. Because that's the least he deserves, right? He deserves this chance.-----After Yuzuru goes to sleep after Worlds 2015, he wakes up a few years too late - and realizes that maybe he's missed out on more than just a few years' time.
Relationships: Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu
Comments: 68
Kudos: 123





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hello y'all!  
> just fyi: this story is _finished_! i just gotta edit a few minor things in the last chapter, but otherwise this story is ready to go and will be completely posted before the year is over!
> 
> and worry not, there will be longer chapters than this one :D
> 
> title and lines at the beginning of each chapter are taken from "find me" by forest blakk

_I was once told that walking through a doorway could cause someone to forget  
Even the most precious memories they had  
Memories of good, memories of bad, memories of love and of loss  
[...]  
Just like that  
Gone within a single step_

Yuzuru blinks awake, trying to take in his surroundings.

He's in a hotel room because of course he is, yesterday was the free skate at Worlds after all. His brain still feels foggy like he hasn't quite arrived in reality yet and he feels a little disorientated. Somewhere in the back of his still not fully awake, confused mind he thinks when he fell asleep last night the window was to the right of his bed, not at his left but it had been an emotional day yesterday so he doesn't trust his memory on that.

When he sits up and stretches, he waits for his brain to catch up with reality, even though it still kind of feels like an uncomfortable dream. This is what loss feels like, he thinks as he recalls his silver medal.

This is what loss looks like, he thinks as he recalls Javier's face when Yuzuru stepped out of their embrace that they had found themselves in before he walked into his hotel room.

Javier confuses him – there he was, newly crowned world champion, and yet he spent so much time on comforting Yuzuru instead of celebrating his own win. Even afterwards, when the cameras were gone and they were by themselves on their way back to their rooms, he still tried to console him. Yuzuru remembers the touches on his neck and waist, the lingering hugs, the "you are so great, don't forget that", the "in my heart, you are always the champion".

He remembers a gentle hand on his cheek and brown eyes looking at him warmly. He remembers a pull between them, how he suddenly just wanted to feel Javier all over him, how he wanted to drown in his warmth. But that was not what they are, not what they are supposed to be.

Maybe later, something within Yuzuru hummed longingly, deceivingly, when he closed the door behind him with Javier's frown imprinted on his mind. They have to concentrate on their careers now. They're rivals, and yes, some kind of friends as well – but that already causes so many conflicting feelings in him, he doesn't need to know how it might affect their skating if they were something... else to each other as well.

Truth be told, he's scared to find out.

Because it is already painful, this situation that they're in with the sport they are both competing in. He remembers falling asleep last night while clinging to the silver medal and hating it with a passion – and simultaneously feeling deeply ashamed about it because how could he resent Javier for getting gold?

But then again, he's never claimed to be a good person after all and thus let himself feel all the anger and disappointment and resolution to get gold again, no matter the cost. So with all these ugly feelings, he can't imagine how it could be any easier if their relationship was of a different nature. He fears it would only hurt more, in the end.

He shakes his head, this is already too much emotional struggle at this hour, he should get up and get ready for gala practice. Rubbing his eyes, he reaches out for his phone to check if there are any new, urgent messages for him. He stops short as he stares at the screen.

There are none, but there's a notification, reminding him of " _lunch with team cricket at 1pm_ " followed by a Spanish looking address he's never seen before but after reading over it several times, he does recognize some Spanish characters.

That's... beyond odd, how is he supposed to be in Spain in a few hours when he just competed in Shanghai? And why doesn't he remember this?

Frowning, he opens the calendar on his phone to double check but what he sees there makes his eyes go wide.

 _May 2023_.

It's probably a glitch. Or if not that then his phone must he broken, surely, it is 2015 after all. With his heart hammering against his ribcage, he goes through his latest messages, photos and emails and his breathing gets heavier with every _2023_ he encounters. It can't be. _It can't be_.

He rushes to get out of bed, almost taking the blanket with him and he opens the curtains. He's only been in this country once but something inside him recognizes it immediately anyway: He's in Spain. In 2023, apparently.

But why the hell is he here? How is that possible?

Trying to get his breathing under control, he steps away from the window and looks for his suitcase and rummages inside of it to get any kind of clue as to what he is doing here. He finds his flight tickets and – thankfully – his inhaler, which he places right beside him just in case.

But otherwise there isn't anything to clue him in, except for a smaller parcel, wrapped in beautiful fine white paper with golden accents. It's clearly a present and part of him is inclined to tear it open, hoping it could give him any idea of what the hell is happening.

Still, he restrains himself. Curiously, he turns it around and comes face to face with his own small writing on the the right hand corner. “ _From Yuzuru_ ”; so it's obviously intended for someone else, it's even immaculately wrapped which Yuzuru guesses he did himself and since he's not all that talented at wrapping gifts he's sure it must be for an important person.

He makes to sit down on the bed again, head in his hands. This is all too much, and he fears he might pass out from the panic cursing through his veins. Grabbing his inhaler, he leans back against the headboard and he looks over to his bedside table, searching for his phone that he must have dropped at some point. That's when he sees it.

A white, expensive looking card lying there, perfectly innocent. With bated breath he picks it up. His stomach churns uncomfortably for a moment, and yet nothing could have prepared him for what he's reading.

"You are cordially invited to the wedding of Javier Fernández and..."

The words blur together in front of his eyes and he can't breathe. He raises the inhaler to his lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dun dun dunnn


	2. Chapter 2

_To be clear  
I've seen a million faces  
I've seen a million different faces  
Each one mirroring that of your own  
And still, none of them felt like home to me  
None of them have felt like you_

The hours after that are a blur. He feels exhausted after his panic induced asthma attack, wondering how long it's been since this older body of his had to endure one.

His older body. Part of him still believes he must be stuck in a terrible nightmare he'll wake up from any second, but everything seems to be real around him.

So he tries to do what he's always done best – adapting. There has to be a reason after all why he suddenly finds himself in the future, maybe he has to do something, accomplish some task, find something. He supposes the only way he might find out is by assuming the role of his future – or rather present – self.

In the end, he doesn't know how he managed to get himself dressed and presentable for today's lunch with his (former?) training team but when he catches his reflection on his way out, he doesn't look as terrified as he feels. He's always been good at putting on a mask.

Foregoing breakfast, he used the morning to gather as much information as he could about his current self since he couldn't stomach anything anyways. He had hoped his mother came with him on this trip but no, he seems to have come alone; even so his management keeps in constant contact as usual. It's both annoying and helpful he finds out because their constant reminders and double checks help him get on track with his current situation.

He makes it to the restaurant they're supposed to meet in time, desperate to get a better understanding of what's happening. It helps that Brian's the first one to greet him there and Yuzuru maybe hugs him a bit too tightly at the sight of an unchanged face.

There are other people too that he recognizes even if they look a bit different from how he remembers them – there's Tracy, Gabriella and Nam but also, oddly, Evgenia, Jason and Jun. They must have come to Cricket to train after the last World Championships he has experienced. It's kind off strange, seeing them all at here together but none of all of this makes his heart get stuck in his throat like seeing Javier does.

He looks good, naturally, his hair a bit shorter than he remembers with the odd gray hair here and there, wearing his glasses and sporting a three-day beard. There are a few more lines around his eyes but what makes Yuzuru stop in his tracks is the... not coldness, but neutrality in his eyes when he meets his gaze.

They hug but it's different now. There's distance suddenly where there used to be lingering touches and there's an uninspired back pat where there used to be a gentle touch to his neck.

Javier doesn't stop to talk with him, instead he sits down at the other end of the table, already engaged in conversation, not sparing Yuzuru a second glance.

Yuzuru is stumped. This feels like some sort of rejection he could have not expected and he doesn't know how to react to this.

Out of all the things that could have changed, he wasn't prepared for Javier to change. He has been a constant for him for so many years, always warm, always _there_ , Yuzuru thought this was just how he was and who he was for him. To suddenly not have his attention as easily as he used to throws him totally off course.

 _Maybe it's because he's getting married_ , he thinks sullenly.

It's something he's banned from his mind since he found the card this morning. He knows he's being ridiculous because deep down he's always known that eventually Javier would go back to Spain and marry a kind and beautiful Spanish woman but knowing is a completely different matter than actually witnessing. As he looks at Javier from across the large table with his brows slightly furrowed an uncomfortable feeling starts settling in his chest.

 _This is really happening_.

He isn't sure how he's supposed to handle this situation; for some reason he finds himself doubting that even with the memories of the past eight years he would know any better.

Yuzuru's brain is still trying to process everything and he knows he should be deeply concerned about how to fix his situation – but right now he can't stop looking at Javier and he wonders why he of all people has changed. Yuzuru's always been someone to overthink almost every aspect of his life so that he might be prepared for every possible outcome and yet he's never thought this far to expect this disconnection between them.

But it can't just have happened like that, right? There must be a reason. Maybe their careers just caught up with them at some point. Maybe along the way they finally became the sort of cold rivals he'd expected them to be from the start.

But that thought doesn't sit right with him and he finally tears his eyes away from Javier, trying to look somewhat engaged in the conversation of Tracy, Evgenia and Jun by his side. The Javier he's come to know has always been warm and welcoming and kind – even if their rivalry had gotten the best of them in the end, he can't imagine him still holding on to that after they both retired.

Questions over questions bubble up inside him and he has the desperate urge to just outright ask – anyone, really – what Javier's deal is. What _their_ deal is.

Even so, he refrains, this is neither the right time nor the right place for that. Instead he busies himself with eating silently and listening to his team's anecdotes without giving much input himself. The others apparently accept his quiet demeanor and he's glad for it.

Truthfully, he's not really listening to their conversation but simply hearing it; he can't spare the effort to follow their conversation when almost every part of him is pulling his focus towards Javier. It's what he's used to, he guesses – it's like every time they're on the ice together and his body just always instinctively knows where the other is. It's a comfort he's never realized he depended on, to simply look up and in the direction of Javier and finding him looking back, giving him an easy smile.

There's nothing of that camaraderie there now, and Yuzuru has to bite his lip to keep himself from casting his eyes his way too often, just to check if maybe he's looking back at him now. It hurts more than he'd like to admit that he never finds his eyes trained on him.

Yuzuru inwardly lets out a sigh of relief when their party slowly disbands after some time. Javier is actually the first one to leave, mentioning he's got some distant relatives waiting for him that want to meet up with him before the wedding. He's leaving after waving at the table at large and saying he'll see them the day after tomorrow and then he's gone.

Their eyes only met fleetingly, giving Yuzuru no chance to figure him out a bit more. It feels like there's an invisible wall built between them and Javier doesn't let it down for even a spare moment, as if he's unwelcome.

He tries his best to school his expression into something that doesn't reflect the feeling of rejection that settles in his gut, itching and heavy. But something must have shown on his face after all because as they're leaving the restaurant, Tracy suddenly pulls him subtly to the side.

“Yuzu... are you okay?” she asks, a gentle hand laid on his arm. She smiles at him with the same warmth he remembers, the kind that's always reminded him of his mother. Tracy is safe, he realizes once again.

“I'm – “

What would have been an easy lie – _I'm fine_ – gets stuck in his throat in the face of her honest concern. He's never felt entirely comfortable hiding something from her anyway.

“I'm... I didn't sleep so good,” he says because it's close enough to the truth.

“Had some problem with asthma this morning,” he admits then, quieter. It's not something he likes to acknowledge with others, because he can't help but feel like it's a weakness, a flaw that his lungs sometimes just refuse to cooperate. Right now though, it feels strangely good to let someone know.

Her brows draw together in worry and she moves her hand up to cup his cheek and for a second, Yuzuru feels sheltered from all this mess.

“I'm okay, really,” he assures her before she can ask, nodding his head multiple times. “It's better now.”

She's quiet for a moment before nodding once herself, taking his word for it. In a more subdued, serious voice she then asks: “Are you and Javi okay?”

God, if he only knew. But how is he supposed to answer that? He can't figure it out himself and he can't ask Javier and by now he honestly doubts either of them has told anyone else about it.

Tracy takes in his gaping expression and gives him a gentle smile, stroking a few stray hairs behind his ear.

“You know, I've heard he's at his rink tomorrow.”

He can feel his eyes widen even more at that because that's not something he's ever expected her to say in this situation. Is she insinuating what he thinks she is?

“Apparently he'll squeeze in one last session with one of his skaters before the wedding. At twelve,” she adds, her smile never changing.

“Why...” He's so grateful, he can't even manage to form coherent words.

“You could always communicate best on the ice,” Tracy simply says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promise they're actually gonna interact in the next chapter :D
> 
> also just a quick disclaimer, this fic revolves around yuzu and javi's relationship so i (and thus yuzu) will ignore a lot that's happened in the lost years (pyeongchang who?) but i hope the yuzuvier drama will keep you occupied enough :D
> 
> next chapter: they finally talk and yuzu comes to some realizations


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all!
> 
> this chapter requires a special shout out to the wonderful MsDaring! she provided me with a name for this chapter's oc as well as some spanish phrases which sadly didn't survive my edit bc since this is yuzu's pov it didn't make sense for him to understand a spanish conversation
> 
> sorry MsDaring but what did a wise soul once say - "efforts may lie but will never be in vain" ;D
> 
> (also, seriously, go check out her fics and her _art_ , jesus christ you don't wanna miss out on these gems)
> 
> and now - onto chapter 3!

_Then again, I have been known to misplace my hope in the way things fall  
And if I had to confess there stands a greater chance that I have all but lost my mind in here  
So I suppose it's better off this way  
Because I've always believed that the odds of finding what you seek  
Tend to favor those who are open to seeking them in the first place_

When Yuzuru wakes up the next day, part of him believes the day before was nothing more than just a weird dream, but the wedding invitation that greets him as soon as he opens his eyes tells him it is true after all.

After lunch yesterday he was sort of going through the motions, looking through emails, doing some exercises, listening to music – anything really to try and distract his restless mind before the whole situation could drive him up the wall. But nothing he did could distract him enough to forget Javier.

Apart from this whole _time traveling_ thing, and if that wasn't overwhelming enough as it is, this is what makes him feel the most helpless about everything: having Javier look at him as if he's a stranger. And it doesn't matter how deep he's digging on the internet because of course they wouldn't ever say something that grave in public about their relationship.

So by the time he gets ready to leave for Javier's rink, he's buzzing with nerves. He needs to find out what happened with them, it's like a persisting itch underneath his skin that he cannot scratch, at the same time he's anxious about what he might be told. But he can't allow himself to dwell on that now, as usual the only way is forward.

Yuzuru finds the rink more easily than he anticipated. It's a weird feeling when he enters the building because even though he has skipped the past eight years, he's sure that despite all the time that's passed this body has never been here before.

The people at the reception recognize him at once and seem surprised yet elated to see him. With excited faces they tell him the rink's currently closed to the public but “ _of course we can make an exception for you, Javi will be happy to see you!_ ”

He doesn't tell them he's actually doubtful about that. What he asks instead is how much a ticket is to which they tell him, heads shaking furiously, that he doesn't have to bother paying for using the rink. It would make him feel weird though, like he's taking advantage ( _taking, always taking what Javier has offered him_ ) and in the end he manages to convince them to let him pay for a regular ticket.

This is Javier's achievement and pride and he wants to support him in every way possible, even with something as seemingly insignificant as paying for two hours of rink time.

As soon as Yuzuru enters the thankfully deserted locker room he makes quick work of putting his bag away and goes through some light stretching exercises. He doesn't spend too much time on it, it's not like he's here to put his body through a proper training session.

Putting his skates on is a well-practiced routine that calms down his mind a bit – it's nice to know that there are some things that apparently won't ever change. The only thing that feels unfamiliar is the key to his locker, attached to a plastic wristband, he keeps in the pocket of his training jacket. He hasn't needed one of those for the longest time, and for some reason it now gives him the distinct impression of only being a mere visitor here.

It leaves a bitter taste on his tongue that he tries his best to swallow down before entering the rink.

The smell of the fresh ice washes over him as soon as he opens the heavy doors and without thinking he closes his eyes for a heartbeat, inhaling the familiar cold. It's a wonderfully grounding sensation and it manages to settle his frantic nerves somewhat at least.

He takes a curious look around before his eyes get stuck on Javier's form, sitting on a bench and apparently in deep conversation with a girl, who's holding an ice pack to her knee. His back is turned to him and Yuzuru doesn't dare to make himself known.

Before he can decide on how exactly to greet Javier – and it pains him that this is something he has to consider now – he hears the girl say “okay, _gracias_!” followed by a stunned “oh!” when her eyes land on him.

Naturally, it makes Javier turn around and as soon as he meets his eyes his curious smile is replaced by open-mouthed shock. Suddenly Yuzuru feels like he shouldn't be here at all, like he's uninvited and intruding, making shame creep up his neck. Yet he is here now and Javier knows and he can't change that. The only way is forward, he reminds himself.

He plasters a bright smile on his face in the hopes of seeing a similar one reflected in Javier's face. He merely gapes at him.

Ignoring the feeling of rejection behind his ribs, he offers a sincere: "I hope I don't interrupt."

A short silence grows between them and all Yuzuru can do is stare at Javier for a few seconds, waiting for any kind of reaction that lets him know where he's standing with him right now.

"Oh my god, can I... can I have a picture with you?" the young skater still sitting beside Javier suddenly speaks up.

It startles him out of his thoughts and he directs his gaze towards her; out of the corner of his eye though, he can see that Javier looked a little bit startled as well. Weirdly, it gives him hope, if he was just as spellbound at seeing Yuzuru as he was seeing him.

The young girl looks at him with wide eyes and for a second Yuzuru worries that since she's obviously Javier's student he should at least know her name. More than that though, it saddens him that he thinks it possible that even without his current situation, he wouldn't know.

But that's not something she has to be burdened with, so instead he puts on another smile and tells her happily: "Of course!"

She beams and jumps off of the bench, leaving the ice pack there, and gets her phone out of her bag before making her way over to him.

"Thank you so much! I wanna get the triple Axel for the next season, so I'm watching lots of videos of you landing it to get it right," she starts telling him excitedly without being prompted but he finds himself enjoying it. There's a familiar accent in her voice but it doesn't make her stumble over her fast paced words and he knows that if this sudden shift in his reality hadn't come with his more advanced English capabilities, he would've lost her after "thank you".

"Aww, that's so nice! I hope it helps you," he says honestly. They pause momentarily as they're posing for the photograph with Yuzuru holding up his signature peace sign.

"It does! Coach Javi told me what performances to watch closely, I watch them everyday."

Yuzuru is glad they already took the photo because he can't control the way his head suddenly whips around to Javier at that information. Javier though doesn't look him in the eyes, instead he turns his attention towards her.

"Okay, Sofía, come on, don't crowd him," he scolds her but his tone is anything but harsh.

"Oh... yeah... sorry," she smiles at Yuzuru, apologetically, and turns to shoulder her stuff.

"It's okay," he replies easily and then he adds as a quick afterthought: "Good luck with the next season."

"Thank you!" Sofía exclaims and then says something in Spanish to Javier before exiting the rink. The door falls shut behind her and Yuzuru is suddenly highly aware of how they're alone together, at last.

For a moment neither of them reacts to the shift in the situation and Yuzuru can't get over how weird this all feels now, how unsettling and uncomfortable.

“So uhm...”

“I leave you alone with the ice,” Javier suddenly says, dismissing him before they can even start a conversation.

“No! I...”

Yuzuru doesn't know if his loud voice or the slightly panicked undertone makes Javier finally ( _finally_ ) look up at him and he can't find it in himself to care about such details right now, not when he has Javier's attention at last.

“I hoped you skate with me for a bit,” he admits, calmer.

“With me?” Javier asks after a beat. His voice is disbelieving, as if it is a downright strange request and not something that should be second nature to them.

Yuzuru tries not to show the bitterness that fills his heart at that implication and nods instead.

“I wanted to see your rink, feel the ice.”

He bites his tongue to keep from joking unthinkingly that he wanted to be the judge of the state of it, because he just knows it would not have the desired effect now.

“But I wanted to skate with you. Been a while,” he adds, shrugging his shoulders, and he doesn't even have to guess this statement; he knows in his heart that it's been way too long since they've talked with each other, never mind skated side by side.

There's a tension in Javier's shoulders that Yuzuru has so far only associated with a tough competition, an unsatisfying performance.

There's an unreadable look in his eyes and Yuzuru has to physically refrain from fidgeting under his gaze as the unsettling silence drags on. The more stubborn part of Yuzuru doesn't want to back down, but there's another voice, telling him to be sensible and leave Javier be, as much as he doesn't want to.

Just as he's about to open his mouth, to laugh it off and turning away, Javier says: "Okay. Just... you go on, I'll join you in a minute."

Relief floods his system and Yuzuru nods vigorously, smiling brightly. Not wanting to make him feel more uncomfortable, he turns towards the ice. Before stepping onto it though, he squats down at the entrance and tugs one of his gloves off to lay his bare palm on the surface. It's a fond greeting, it is Javier's ice after all; it makes him feel more secure.

When he makes to step onto the ice, he sense eyes on him, like he's being thoroughly scrutinized, so he looks back involuntarily. All he can see though is the back of Javier's head as he walks over to what he guesses is his office, window panes lining the front.

Yuzuru glides over the ice, humming softly in appreciation of the quality, and eases himself into a comfortable rhythm. It seems like this is the only thing that feels completely right and he himself is taken aback by the emotions welling up inside him.

For the first time since he's woken up in this reality he actually feels safe and only now does he realize how taxing the past 36 hours have been. He takes a deep breath and by the time he's skated one or two easy laps quiet music fills the rink.

He lifts his head and sees Javier stepping onto the ice, and despite the unfamiliar tension between them he can't stop himself from skating over immediately.

With a tentative smile, he says: "You have good ice."

"Thanks."

Wordlessly, they start skating side by side, their steps matching at once and in a way, it feels like home. A couple of moments pass like that and Yuzuru reckons that it's not going to be Javier in this time that will start the conversations between them.

His mouth feels dry when he asks, not being able to contain his earlier curiosity: "You told your skater to watch my triple Axel?"

He watches as Javier ducks his head and refrains from meeting his eyes.

"Yeah, Sofia she... she is very ambitious and hard-working. She has the rotations but the landing's still a bit wobbly, so..." he trails off, making some vague hand gestures. Then he adds, in a quieter voice: "She improved a lot when she watched your videos."

"I'm happy I can help," he replies and he means it; even if it's not something he did actively, he's still glad he can be of some help.

They keep skating lazy patterns, Yuzuru slightly swaying to the rhythm of the song playing overhead. He doesn't understand the words, but the Spanish voice is a pleasant sound in his ears.

"We didn't do this for long time," he remarks when the song ends and fades into the next one, an instrumental piece.

Javier only hums in acknowledgement.

"I miss it," he says but he knows he means not only the skating together; he misses how at ease he feels around him, the constant affection shared between them, Javier's smiles directed towards him.

"Do you?"

There's a controlled quality to his voice as he asks him that Yuzuru cannot decode. Even so, he can't dwell on that, not when Javier's eyes are trained on him. He drinks up the attention like he does after a good skate during competition.

"Of course I do," he tells him because it doesn't matter that he doesn't know their whole situation when he feels everything inside him yearning for Javier, even right in this moment. Javier just stares at him for a few breaths as if he's trying to read him.

Yuzuru's accepted at some point that in many cases he is an open book to him so a strange sense of dejection fills him (yet again) at the realization that apparently Javier has forgotten how to read him. Or maybe he doesn't trust his words.

"I miss you too," Javier then mumbles like he can't help himself.

Yuzuru smiles, relieved that there's still something between them, some kind of connection, a _them_. It makes Yuzuru elated and his heart lift up at the implication that there's still a chance for them, for their friendship, for them to...

He stops himself there. That's not a thought he should be having.

( _Or maybe should he?_ )

Trying to divert his own dangerous train of thought, he ducks his head, huffing out a nervous giggle, and says: "I always thought you marry younger."

When he dares looking up again he sees Javier looking right back at him with rapidly blinking eyes.

"She wanted to marry sooner," he tells him after a long pause and his voice sounds slightly off, as if it's not something he wants to admit.

"Why didn't you?" Yuzuru dares to ask, not taking his eyes from his face. Javier breaks their eye contact and instead focuses on something on the far off wall, visibly swallowing.

He shakes his head minutely and huffs out a bitter caricature of a laugh. Perhaps that was the wrong thing to ask, it's obvious judging by his reaction that it's a sore topic.

"Sorry, forget it," Yuzuru tells him, putting an apologetic smile on his face, "not my place to ask."

"You're right," Javier agrees quickly and Yuzuru tries his best to ignore how much his tone hurts.

"Tell me about this," he shifts the topic to get rid of the tense atmosphere they found themselves in again.

"About what?" Javier frowns in confusion.

"All this," Yuzuru responds, spinning around his own axis lazily and stretching his arms out a little, indicating he's talking about the very place they're in right now. "The rink, your classes... and tell me more about Sofia."

He's missed so much by his unexpected time jump and it feels weird to be so out of tune with Javier, to not have witnessed him taking these career steps and building his own school. It doesn't make him any less proud of him though and he figures he can still catch up on this.

He smiles at him widely while Javier just stares at him with questioning eyes. Yuzuru's glad to notice there doesn't seem to be apprehension in his gaze but honest surprise; he can work with that.

"You want to know?" Javier asks slowly and as enigmatic as Yuzuru's almost come to expect at this point.

"Of course. I don't like we didn't talk for so long. I want..." He hesitates because he wants to be honest with Javier but how can he be completely honest in this kind of situation, all things considered? But at least he can be truthful with his feelings, he supposes.

"I want to get some time back," he admits, his smile dimmed.

As his words sink in, the echo of an old familiar softness spreads on Javier's face until it reaches his lips, making the corners of his mouth turn up slightly. Yuzuru's own heart wells up at the sight and he wants to laugh out loud in relief.

"Gods, where to start..." Javier says with a light chuckle and makes to skate another lap, Yuzuru following him without a second thought.

When he falls into bed that evening, there's a lightness in his heart that he's been missing for a while now but especially the last two days. He spent so much time smiling this afternoon and he cherishes the soreness in his cheeks.

The image of Javier's own, albeit more timid, smiles are etched into his mind. If he closes his eyes, he can imagine what his usual bright smiles would look like on his face now but he can merely trace the outline of Javier's smiling appearance.

It's still not enough, not when Yuzuru knows just how much brightness Javier carries within himself, how willingly he's always shared it. He wants Javier's smiles back. And now, after this afternoon he can feel hope blossoming inside him that he can get them back.

He can get Javier back.

With a start he sits up in bed and stares into nothingness with wide eyes. Maybe that is the key, he realizes. Maybe that is why he woke up in this reality, in this future: to finally take what he's wanted for the longest time but couldn't reach out to because of too many obstacles life put between them.

This is why he was put into this situation, to finally choose what he truly wants. And he cannot deny anymore that he does want Javier.

His heart flutters at the thought of getting this chance to get it right at last. He thinks back to their conversation, to the tentative smiles they shared and how they fell into step with each other naturally. How Javier's eyes sometimes lingered a second too long on him yet how he wouldn't reach out, neither physically nor verbally – but he didn't have to for Yuzuru to understand.

Even if he might have changed, if they might have changed, Yuzuru could still read at least some parts of him.

And by now he knows how to read Javier's attention on him, his gaze fixed on him as... interest. Affection. Attraction.

He's been seeing it for a while even if he tried his best to not acknowledge it but there's no way he can let it go unanswered now, not when he knows they're both desperate to reach out to each other.

Annoyance flares up inside of him that he never got to take this chance with Javier in his own time. If the universe could have only let their lives play out normally, then none of this stress and anxiety Yuzuru's been put under would have happened.

Why the hell wasn't he allowed a chance with him up until this point? Why did he have to wake up here where Javier obviously doesn't believe anymore in what they could be? Why was he denied so many years and so many chances?

But nevertheless, Yuzuru wants to take this chance given to him now. Because that's the least he deserves, right? He deserves this chance.

He deserves at least one chance with Javier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> helloooo me again
> 
> i just wanted to quickly mention that i hate that i use the trope/narrative of "the faceless/nameless fiancée" but i didn't wanna use irl names bc i'd feel uncomfortable making any of javi's actual girlfriends a plot device when i just wanna enjoy some yuzuvier fanfic, and making up a name felt a bit redundant as well
> 
> we need more and better representation of women characters and i'm so sorry i failed with that here /o\


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is the chapter that actually started this whole fic  
> i had the idea of this scene in my head for some time, not intending to make anything out of it and then somehow it ended up being an 11k long fic oops :D
> 
> i'm very excited to hear what you think! <3

_There is no place for time here  
Just overlapping moments where I thought I'd found you  
Where I thought I heard the sound of your breath  
Where I felt your heart as it waited patiently for mine  
Retracing the steps that we left in the life before last  
Before our eyes closed  
Before the great divide  
Before a doorway stood between you and me_

This time when Yuzuru wakes up he's prepared for the setting and the date that shouldn't be real and it doesn't take him long to wake up now that he feels less disoriented. It also helps that he's filled with a new sense of direction, of determination that he knows how to get rid of this situation.

As he gets ready to leave, forgoing to put on his suit because he's not planning on attending Javier's wedding anyway, he is almost calm even though – or maybe because – every cell of his body is screaming at him that what he's about to do is so desperately needed and long overdue.

A pleasant excitement buzzes beneath his skin the whole time and he almost finds his way to Javier's apartment in a trance like state, assured that his feet will carry him where he needs to be.

He knows what he wants to do, what he has to do, and yet he's still not completely prepared to see Javier's shocked face when he opens the door.

"Yuzu! What... Why are you here?"

Perhaps he should have warned him before coming over but a part of him wanted to have this: Javier being unprepared and without any time to put that distant mask on his face that he mostly wears around Yuzuru these days. Catching him off guard has worked yesterday and he finally got some genuine expressions from him, and he needs Javier's raw emotions for what he's about to ask. He needs his warmth and his kindness.

“I...”

He hesitates suddenly because he feels a little lost for words. After all, what Yuzuru is about to voice is such an outrageous demand, how can language and bravery not fail him when the person he wants is standing there, wearing a wedding suit? But there's one thing he knows for sure and that is that he cannot put the most selfish thing he's ever going to ask out there in the open just casually while standing in Javier's doorway.

"I don't need long. Can I come in?"

It's Javier's turn to look hesitant and he doesn't step away or take his hand off of the doorframe.

"Please," Yuzuru adds, knowing that if he can make it past his threshold, he can find a way into Javier's heart as well.

Javier takes his time – one breath, two breaths – but then his stance eases and he opens the door a bit further.

"Just a few minutes, yeah?" he asks as he lets Yuzuru in and closes the door behind him with a soft click. He can only manage to nod in response, trailing behind Javier and into his living room. Unthinkingly, his eyes trace over the many photographs put up in the book shelf, over the many happy faces displayed in them. None of them are his.

His throat feels dry and he tries to ignore the tremor in his hands as he lets his gaze wander over the pictures depicting memorable moments in his life that Yuzuru has all missed. When his eyes settle on Javier again, he still looks perplexed and, weirdly, scared.

"Yuzu, what are you doing here?" he asks with furrowed brows. He's neither wearing his jacket nor his tie yet and the two top buttons of his crisp white shirt are still unbuttoned; everything about his appearance seems unfinished, incomplete.

 _You're not too late_ , a hopeful, childlike voice whispers in his heart at the sight of him.

"I, uhm..." He swallows, braving himself for what he has to say.

"I don't have that much time, you know, my wedding is in about an hour." Javier's joking tone feels forced but his words make Yuzuru's own suddenly tumble out of his mouth.

"Don't marry her."

Javier's eyes widen and for a moment he just stares at him, clearly baffled.

A very foolish part of Yuzuru wants Javier to step forward and scoop him up in his arms, telling him " _yes, you're right_ " and " _I've been waiting for you for so long_ " and " _finally_ ".

He wants this fantasy to happen so badly, but what he gets instead is pure bewilderment.

"What?"

Quickly he tries to explain: "I know this sound foolish and surprising and I am selfish but –"

"Yes, you're right, this is selfish," he interrupts with an agitated voice. "Yuzu, what the hell? Today is my wedding day, it's been planned for months, why should I suddenly call everything off?"

"Because of us," he says timidly. Saying it out loud leaves him feeling terribly vulnerable, and it only gets worse when Javier's expression shifts.

He's looking at him with so much old familiar pain in his eyes as he tells him with a controlled voice: "There is no us."

It hurts, unlike any physical pain he's ever experienced, and he desperately wants Javier to take those ugly words back.

But Javier is not finished, it seems, and Yuzuru has barely time to brave himself for what he tells him next.

“Yuzu, how can you come here and say that? I can't believe you...” he scoffs. “We had one nice afternoon yesterday, but that doesn't mean anything. It doesn't change anything, it's not enough.”

Javier's right, he knows that, and rationally this whole situation seems scandalous. Still, he also knows in his heart that there's more for them, more possibilities, more time, if Javier only gives them that chance. Yuzuru tries to put on a controlled expression and soldier on through the unexpected pain.

"Please. I know we changed and it's different than in the past." His words are hurried now. "I know, but we... Javi, we're good together, please, just give me a chance, just _one_ chance –"

"I gave you _so_ many chances, Yuzu!" he suddenly exclaims, stunning Yuzuru into near silence. That's impossible. He thinks he must have stopped breathing and all he manages is a weak " _what?_ "

Javier regards him with an almost betrayed look, his eyes weary, speaking of so much old sorrow.

"Do you really need me to remind you," he says in a dry voice but it sounds tighter than before, as if there's too much emotion he wants to contain. "You kept pushing me away. I kept asking you, I've been waiting for you for so long but you only shut me out."

He doesn't know what his face looks like right now, he doesn't feel in control of anything anymore. Javier averts his eyes, shaking his head slightly.

"I should have stopped after Shanghai, I should have known after that first rejection."

Yuzuru gasps, making Javier look up at him again. In this moment he can see that he doesn't acknowledge him as a stranger anymore, all their history, all of the pain and dejection caused by him is plain to see in his face.

"Javi," he rasps, his throat painfully tight.

"I guess I just wanted you too much."

Yuzuru can't rein in the sob that escapes his throat at that. Javier wanted him. He _wanted_ him. How did he run out of chances when he never even got the opportunity to take them?

Unbidden tears well up in his eyes and he lets his head hang, hiding his face in his hands. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I wanted you, too. I'm sorry..." he rambles, words slurring together. He squeezes his eyes shut to try and force his tears back.

“Yuzu...”

His voice is sad and soft, almost a whisper, but there's a certain sense of wonder in it as well. Blinking harshly and trying to take calming breaths, Yuzuru slowly raises his head to face him again. Fresh tears blur his vision at seeing Javier wearing such an open and vulnerable expression with all of his feelings written in the lines around his eyes, in the furrow of his brow, in the curve of his lips.

This is _his_ Javier, he realizes. His Javier who is genuine and wears his heart on his sleeve and is always looking at Yuzuru and actually _sees_ him.

“Finally,” he exhales. “I... Now you're finally admitting this.” He brings a hand up to rub at his eyes with a pained sigh. After another deep breath he turns his attention back to Yuzuru, his features colored in resolution.

“This is too late, Yuzu. We're done. Whatever we..” Despite his voice trailing off, his tone is solid, decided, _final_. “We can't... You can't just turn back time.”

He can feel his bottom lip quiver treacherously and a few small tears run down his cheeks. They look at each other as they're standing helplessly in the middle of the room with only a couple of steps but also years of frustration and pain separating them.

Yuzuru has always been known to climb unreachable heights and yet he doesn't think he could ever cover that distance. This is a defeat that is wholly unfamiliar to him but he finds it tastes even more bitter than any silver medal.

With slightly trembling fingers, he wipes away the fallen tears and just lets him look at Javier for a moment to take all of him in; he lets himself take in this beautiful man that he never got to call his. Who has moved on from whatever it was they almost had before Yuzuru even got a chance to find out what they could have been.

Is Yuzuru really going to be so selfish and try to keep him from moving on with his life? He has lost, after all. So at least Javier should be allowed to get another chance at a happy life, at a life where he can love and be loved in return. And in the end, it seems to be Yuzuru's own fault that it's a life where there is clearly no place for him anymore.

He sniffles a bit. “I should leave. I shouldn't... I think is best I will not come to your wedding.”

Javier shows no real reaction to this, only looks at him with dark eyes that are nothing like when he became world champion in Shanghai. They were so full of sparks and joy and want back then, it took Yuzuru's breath away even if he didn't want to acknowledge it at the time.

He realizes that that's all he wants for him – to feel accomplished and on top of the world. To share that happiness and get it back tenfold.

“I go now, I don't want you be late. Especially not to your own wedding.” He tries a smile but he can feel it quavering. “I want you to be so, so happy, Javi.”

Javier bites his lip, an unreadable expression on his face and Yuzuru should go, he knows he really should go now but there's one more thing, one more confession that wants to make it past his lips.

“I wanted to fall in love with you,” he says, his voice breaking.

Ducking his head, he turns around and walks towards the door. Just as he's about to open it, he can hear Javier's soft voice and he's drawn to it, making him turn around helplessly.

“Yuzu... I've always loved you.”

Javier's not looking back at him, instead his gaze is directed towards the floor and Yuzuru knows there are no more words left between them.

The door falls into the lock behind him with a definite sound that he feels reverberating underneath his skin. He can't move just yet and he finds himself leaning back against the door, his hand pressed to his mouth to prevent himself from sobbing out loud.

_Not here, not here..._

He only lets himself have a few seconds, a few more breaths before he pushes himself off of Javier's door to make his way back to his hotel.

In the end, he doesn't know how long it takes him until he is safely inside his impersonal hotel room or how he made it back exactly but as soon as he's toed his shoes off and has thrown his jacket somewhere on the floor he all but collapses on his bed. Feeling like a child, he pulls the covers over his head, trying to block out the outside world and this reality where suffering, pain and loneliness are dictating his life.

It's easier than he expected – maybe because it's just so utterly, terribly true – when he admits to himself that he does feel lonely. Time and time again, he chose to be alone and now he sees what that cost him, besides his almost constantly throbbing ankle.

The blanket over him seems heavier than it had this morning and it weighs him down even further, yet he doesn't try to break out of it to breathe easier.

He cannot believe that everything was for nothing, what he did, what he was trying to do wasn't worth anything in the end; and not only what _he_ did but his self that lived before he woke up in his older body. Everything he had done was for naught, accepting the invitation, coming to Spain, packing a suit, getting a gift –

He stops short at that thought, suddenly remembering the present, wrapped up expertly in fine white paper.

It seems so trivial, nevertheless a sudden wave of shame crashes over him that he not only hadn't managed to meet Javier halfway at any point in his life, he even failed at something so simple as giving him a small gift for his wedding. He can't catch up on that now, he couldn't catch up on anything, he couldn't get anything right.

Resigned, Yuzuru pushes the blanket away and walks over to his suitcase to retrieve the present. It's of no use to Javier anymore so at least Yuzuru can take a look at what what else he's denied Javier to have.

Sitting back down on the mattress, he lets his fingers trail over the fine gold lines ingrained in the paper. It reminds him of _kintsugi_ , of trying to mend brokenness and make it into something even more beautiful.

He scoffs at himself, at this version of himself, trying so desperately to fix something that he should have long given up on. There's new shame and guilt and anger towards himself because how could he have been so childish. Apparently, he had made his decisions over and over again, and still he was hoping for...

He stops himself from delving deeper into what a different outcome of the situation would have looked like. It hurts too much to imagine that he could have been happy.

Sniffing, he carefully unfolds the wrapping paper until a simple, square black box appears. It reminds him of the boxes most of his medals have always come in but he didn't expect to come face to face with one in this moment when he opens the case.

Not only any medal at that – it's his silver medal he'd just received in Shanghai.

With a frown and slightly trembling fingers he picks up the card that fell out of it when he lifted the lid. The textured material feels smooth under his fingertips and the writing – his own handwriting in English – seems strange and incomprehensible to him at first glance.

For a moment, all he can do is stare at the short message unseeingly until he can slowly make out his own words written in neat black ink. His breath hitches in trepidation.

_"Dear Javi,_

_When I got this medal, I hated it so much. I was so happy for you but so sad and regretful for me, so I didn't see that this medal was the one that brought me closer to you. Today I am happy for you again but I am regretful again, too. I wish I could go back._

_But most of all I wish you are happy. Please be happy, Javi.”_

Numbly, he lets the note fall from his hands and holds up the medal instead. It weighs more than he remembers considering its rather small size. The dark silver feels as offensive as ever but now it's tainted with even more regret than before, with even more heartbreak, with an even deeper feeling of loss.

He holds onto the medal until its edge cuts into the skin of his hand and its shape blurs in front of his eyes. With fresh tears escaping his eyes he traces the outline of the medal, remembering what it felt like to hold it for the first time; what it felt like to hold Javier for the last time.

As angry hot tears keep on streaming down his face and he can no longer rein in the ugly sobs wrecking his body, he crawls back underneath the blanket

There's an overwhelming sense of helplessness spreading through his whole body until he feels nearly consumed by it and he lets it happen. He lets himself drown in this feeling of utter loss of control not only over this situation but his life in general, because how can he move forward from this?

Here he was thinking he woke up in this reality to make up for lost time, that all of this happened for a reason, that he was in a way sent here to make things right.

He thought the universe might have given him one last chance. Instead he was made to regret a life he didn't even get to experience firsthand.

Beneath his blanket, cocooned in a cheap imitation of some kind of shelter, he clutches the medal in a tight grip against his chest and feels entirely pitiful. He feels completely drained and after a while his thoughts are running in circles, each of them wishing, hoping, pleading that he could turn back time. That he could try again. That he could go back.

God, he just wants to go back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yea, i 13 going on 30'd it
> 
> (setting and dialogue were kinda inspired by this scene https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yxBpIH_2rc)
> 
> one more chapter to go! <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: i'd actually had the majority of the story written and the rest planned out when i got the idea to use a line from "find me" as a title; and then while editing i was surprised how fitting the imagery of the song(?) was for what i had written so i just _had_ to include some lines in the chapters as well, i hope you liked that little addition
> 
> now, without further ado: the final chapter

_As it stands  
I've found myself in that doorway again  
With both feet in and your heart on my sleeve  
But I can't bring myself to walk through this time  
Not yet at least  
Not until I take one last look and see that it was you  
That it was always you_

When Yuzuru opens his eyes the next morning, the first thing he sees is the open box displaying his silver medal on the nightstand.

For a brief moment panic floods his senses and he sits up abruptly, feeling disorientated and strange in his own skin.

He can't remember putting the medal back in its case and for a blissful second yesterday feels blurry and unattainable. But then defeat settles over him like a dark cloud when he does remember how he fell asleep, what had happened before that.

With a heavy heart he leans back to rest against the headboard and reaches out for his phone that was put next to the medal. He's been hiding from the consequences of what he was trying to achieve as well as from what is now his reality.

Javier is married, and their relationship has found an end, with no more chances left to explore between them. All that's left to do for him now is to move forward _somehow_ and the first thing he needs to do is to get out of this country that reminds him of Javier at every turn he takes.

Before he can bring himself to unlock his phone he tries to think of what he's read in his calendar about how to go about his day, however for some reason he can't access that information.

His head feels weird, kind of dizzy, kind of like he feels after too many hours spent at dance practice. ( _Or after too many hours spent crying_ , his mind provides helpfully.) It's not a headache he's familiar with but at the same time he doesn't have the energy to worry about that. He has to get up to leave in time for his flight.

Yuzuru frowns when he realizes that he doesn't know what flight he has to catch and when the departure time was exactly. He looked at his tickets the day before and checked the time and date even though he was hoping he wouldn't board that plane after he visited Javier...

Javier's words still ring in his ears, his voice crystal clear as he ended whatever it was they had for good. Try as he might, Yuzuru can't block the memories out of his mind as they are played on a torturous loop before his mind's eye.

He desperately tries to direct his thoughts elsewhere, _anywhere_ , but everything else feels fuzzy like trying to hold onto dry sand that inevitably runs through your fingers.

With every breath he takes it gets worse as he's trying to remember what he did before confronting Javier, what any interaction with other people was like, what he had done in his life in the years the he skipped that he read up on.

He only remembers medals; he remembers smiles and tears, and pain; a piercing ache through his chest and a subdued yet lingering throbbing in his ankle; he remembers a nervous buzzing underneath his skin and the wave of regret crashing over him, heavy like lead.

But above all, he remembers Javier.

The only clear image in his mind is Javier's closed off face with his hands never reaching out to him, his body turning away and his heart shutting him out. The stark contrast of losing memories and the clear image of losing Javier are utterly overwhelming until Yuzuru feels like he can't breathe properly anymore.

A terrifying sense of déjà vu trickles down his neck and his eyes widen in fear and panic.

Something must be wrong with him, something must be wrong with him _again_ , how could something happen again, what did happen, what is happening to him –

A sudden noise makes him jump and shakes him out of his panic ridden stupor. He looks down at his lap where his hands are resting, still holding his now ringing phone. It's a familiar tone and a quick look confirms that it's merely his alarm.

Out of reflex he switches it off and nearly puts it aside without another glance but the title of his alarm makes him do a double take. Swiftly he raises the phone so it's closer to his face and he reads over the characters multiple times, eyes blinking rapidly.

" _gala practice in two hours!_ "

Could this mean...

With hectic fingers he switches over to his calendar, not quite daring to hope but wanting to so desperately. And then he sees the date.

 _March 2015_.

A breathless laugh escapes his mouth as he gapes unbelievingly at what he hadn't thought was possible. Giddiness and elation spreads through his body with every 2015 he encounters in his messaging app, his photos, his notifications for appointments... With tears stinging his eyes he takes a proper look around the room and takes in his many props he always takes with him to competitions scattered all around the room. When his eyes find his Winnie the Pooh tissue box sitting on top of the dresser, his tears spill over in pure relief.

He cannot believe it. _He's back_.

A few minutes later his mother enters the room and her face instantly morphs into worry as she takes in her son's crying form but Yuzuru manages to laugh through the tears, trying to reassure her he's okay. He hugs her tightly, telling her that he's just had weird dreams, that he's just glad he's awake again.

After hurriedly drying his tears, he's going through his routine with a new sense of appreciation. Every step feels familiar and comfortable and _good_ and it seems like everything makes him smile this morning, from attending breakfast in the hotel dining room to packing his bag for the gala practice.

His smile freezes on his face though when he steps inside the men's locker room at the venue and he sees Javier sitting there, wearing his glasses and getting his skates out of his bag.

As much as his memory from the past few days he experienced is now clouded and so many details have escaped him, Javier's words from their very last encounter suddenly echo in his mind with such a sharp clarity, it seems like he hears him say them out loud in this very moment.

_"I should have stopped after Shanghai, I should have known after that first rejection."_

Yuzuru's heart hammers against his ribcage as the words keep ringing in his head. He stares at Javier and all he can see is warmth, and comfort, and love.

But more than that right now, he can see his time running out, his last chances slipping through his fingers. In a way, he's found himself at a crossroad again, only this time he is acutely aware of what weight his decisions actually carry.

With his heart in his throat he moves forward from where he was standing in the doorway to the locker room and sits down next to Javier.

“Hi, Javi,” he says carefully.

Javier looks up at him, startled, and even though he quickly returns the greeting with a smile, Yuzuru recognizes there's something off about him. He seems a little hesitant this morning, a bit hurt, maybe even resigned.

Nervousness is eating away at Yuzuru at that sight and there's a frantic urge building inside of him, screaming at him to do something. _Anything_.

“You...” he stops whatever it is he was about to say when his voice feels too raspy, too unsteady. He clears his throat but still doesn't quite know where to start. There's too much emotional turmoil going on within him that he can't find the words needed to express even just one of his tangled thoughts.

But when he looks up he finds Javier apparently waiting for him to continue and his eyes are focused on him, _seeing_ him. Javier might still feel hurt and rejected from last night and yet he's here again, giving Yuzuru time and his attention and Yuzuru almost sighs out loud. At last, he is not too late, not when Javier looks at him with so much warmth and patience.

“How did you sleep?” is what he asks in the end, not only because it's easier than this current mess of hopes and wishes warring inside his head but because he knows Javier sometimes suffers from slight insomnia and Yuzuru cares; he truly cares, and he's no longer trying to retain himself from giving in to the feeling.

“Okay. Maybe a bit weird,” Javier says, shrugging nonchalantly. “And you?”

“I slept for long– for too long.”

He mirrors his shrug and Javier huffs out a laugh, shaking his head slightly.

“You're too tired to skate now?”

“Never,” Yuzuru exclaims proudly. “Don't need to be wake for triple Axel.”

“Big words!” Javier says with a laugh and Yuzuru joins him; he hasn't heard that beautiful sound in what seems like forever and he can't believe he's been taking it for granted for so long.

“Javi, you... you go home? You go to Spain after gala?”

He nods in confirmation and Yuzuru swallows, trying to find a way to ask what he actually means to.

“And after Team Trophy? You come to there, right?”

“Yeah, I will join you all for a bit,” he tells him but there's the slightest frown on his face as he continues. “But after that I go back home again. I need some vacation before the Fantasy shows.”

Yuzuru takes a deep breath through his nose and nods, all the while internally cursing their hectic schedules and both of them for wishing to stay in their home country for as long as possible during the off season.

“But...” Slowly he finds his voice again. “But after that. After shows, you come back to Toronto? For next season?”

“Of course,” Javier says immediately, looking at him with an unreadable yet intense expression on his face. Thankfully, he doesn't tell him that he's asking redundant things, that he's not making sense right now, instead he's looking at him in concentration, as if he's trying to read him.

“When you... when you're back in Toronto, you think maybe we can... we can... I mean, if you still want...”

God, why is this so hard. He has no idea how to word this, didn't think of it beforehand, too busy relishing the fact that he's made it back to his real time and now he's in front of Javier and he sounds like a stuttering pre-schooler.

For some reason though, Javier can see through his desperation and wordlessness because his eyes widen and his mouth goes slack in apparent surprise.

“Yuzu, are you...” He wets his lips, momentarily distracting Yuzuru from his own tangled mess of thoughts. “Are you... asking me out... on a date?”

His voice is quiet and light, unbelieving and hesitantly exhilarated.

Yuzuru takes another breath before answering.

“Yes.”

It takes them both a second to fully comprehend what has just happened between them but before Javier can properly react, there's more Yuzuru needs to address and feels like he's able to, now that he's wearing his heart on his sleeve.

“I'm sorry about last night. I... I want you to stay. Stay with me, but I couldn't say.” He scrunches up his nose at the memories that now feel like they happened ages ago. “I did not say because I was selfish.”

At that he can see Javier wants to protest but he beats him to it by speaking up again: “And I was scared. _Am_ scared. Because I like to... I like control, control over life. And I don't know... I don't know how you change my life.”

His hands and heart feel shaky and he's afraid he didn't manage to convey all that went through his mind the night before that made him turn away from Javier. All he can hope is that it's enough, that he will understand him, that he's willing to meet him halfway.

Javier stares at him for a few heartbeats, rooting Yuzuru to the spot and making him tune out the rest of the people milling around in the locker room.

He doesn't care about them or if they've been paying attention to what he was saying; he can't be bothered to care about them, not when he has Javier's dark eyes on him, brimming with emotion.

Rather than saying something, Javier timidly reaches out to hold Yuzuru's hand, making him loosen his curled up fingers to wrap around Javier's instead. The touch makes him inwardly shiver and he's acutely, wonderfully aware of every single part of his skin in contact with Javier's.

Only now does he notice that, although in this timeline it's mere hours ago, this feels like the first time after way too long that Javier touched him again, really touched him. The simple gesture seems much more significant all of a sudden and Yuzuru basks in it.

“You know...” Javier slowly begins, the beginning of a beautiful smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “It's still a long time until I'm back in Toronto. How about we... After practice, we can get some lunch maybe? Before the gala? If you don't have interviews?”

“I don't,” Yuzuru confirms at once. Even if he did, there's nothing more important to him in this moment than Javier. Open and trusting and loving _Javi_.

They share a private smile and among all those smiles they have already shared so far in their lives, this one feels like it truly belongs to them and only them. It feels like a reassurance, like a welcoming, like a promise that there will be a tomorrow.

And even though the memories of his glimpse into a possible future are by now blurry and unattainable – like they're caught in a heavy fog, like they're merely a bone-chilling nightmare he cannot quite recollect but is shaken by nevertheless – he knows that he doesn't need them anyway. He doesn't need to know his future to know that he will now have one.

Later, Yuzuru and Javier will enjoy a nice gala practice that's filled with laughter and lightness. They will torment Nam, goof off with Misha and Yuzuru will make Javier lift him while laughing the entire time.

Later, they will go to Javier's room and order some room service and just talk. They won't have long, barely an hour but they will make the best of it, sharing anecdotes and more laughter and even more smiles.

Later, Yuzuru will skate his exhibition program and he will shake his head in disbelief over the title of his chosen music. “ _The Final Time Traveler_ ”. He will touch the ice in thanks for welcoming him back and in question to please, please let him stay this time. And even though he won't land his jumps cleanly, he will smile throughout his program because despite everything, his heart is filled with happiness.

Later, Yuzuru and Javier will find themselves in front of Yuzuru's hotel room door again. They will share a laden look, their eyes not wanting to stray from each other just once and right there in the hotel corridor, they will hug again. This time however, when Yuzuru steps out of their embrace and inside his room, Javier will follow him, holding his hand.

Later, they will have countless moments and chances and they won't miss any of them.

But for now, Yuzuru enjoys simply being here in this moment, with a smile on his face and Javier by his side, his thumb tenderly stroking over his knuckles. Because it's right in this moment that Yuzuru realizes that – finally – they have time.

_I remember now  
This was where I first found you  
And beyond those closed doors  
I will find you again_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaand we're done
> 
> thank you so much for sticking with this story, i hope you enjoyed my little take on the time travel trope <3
> 
> i kinda started to hate this fic while writing it but reading your comments was not only a huge relief to me but you made me actually like this story again, so i'm incredibly thankful to y'all <3
> 
> happy holidays if you're celebrating and i wish you all a wonderful 2020 - see you next year!

**Author's Note:**

> dun dun dunnn


End file.
